Patchouli X Remilia
by Yuuki F
Summary: Straightforward Patchouli X Remilia.
1. Preface and TOC

Preface

Patchouli x Remilia fiction is an empty desert out there as far as I can tell (there are very few here on FFnet). This is fairly surprising as the two have been together for...centuries? Even doujinshi-wise, I can only find one work (that ends in Patchouli x Marisa anyways). So, I hope I can rectify this somewhat with a collection of Patchouli x Remilia short stories. I had planned to do this for quite a while now...I am finally getting around to it.

TOC

Chapter 1: Preface & TOC

What you're reading now.

Introductory Arc

Chapter 2: Work

An introduction into the SDM household.

Chapter 3: Tuesdays with Remilia

Taking care of devils during an eclipse.

Chapter 4: Wednesdays with Patchouli

Taking care of anemics during a regular day.

Interlude

Chapter 5: Bloodletting

A natural consequence of asking why an anemic would be living with a vampire...

Betrayal Arc (sorry for the wait) (Edit 07/31: I forgot to note, and this is somewhat important, that the following chapters interlace with s/6046589/1/Continuing-Marisa-X-Alice . My profile page has a more complete timeline.)

Chapter 6: A Prod Produced with Satin

Remilia's fate induced paranoia sets in.

Chapter 7: A Lie Lined with Spikes

Idiocy in the guise of intelligence.

Chapter 8: A Truth Told with Cyanide

Go Sakuya!

Chapter 9: A Confession Connoted with Solace

The smallest things are the hardest to do.

Chapter 10: A Secret Sealed with Superciliousness

No one messes with Patchouli.

Chapter 11: Bonus Chapter

Sakuya becomes my favorite character.

Hunting Arc

Chapter 12: Inconsiderate Hunters

Patchouli and Remilia are thoroughly disappointed.

Chapter 13: Unconsidered Hunters

Patchouli and Remilia are thoroughly surprised (and a slight nod to The Protomen)

Short Story Arc

Chapter 14: Listless

A conversation about goals and desires.

Chapter 15: Funes the Golem

With thanks to Borges' very similar short story.

Chapter 16: Secret Door

Patchouli walks through a door.


	2. Work

Remilia was alone on a windowsill looking out into the moonlight night with a glass of wine beside here. It had been a silent and pleasurable week. No major surprises, and the usual casual correspondence. However, Remilia knew that life liked to give things in spurts and fits. With that thought, and great timing, there was a knock at her door.

"Are you in Remi?"

Remilia looked over at who stood in her doorway, opened her arms with wine glass in hand, and replied cheerfully, "It's Patchuuuu~"

Patchouli let herself in with a small collection of letters, "You're already into the wine, huh?"

Remilia repeated herself, "Patchuuuu~"

Patchouli passed over a few of the letters to Remilia.

Remilia cheerful expression immediately vanished as she glanced through them, "They're outright refusing to pay rents..."

Patchouli replied, "They wouldn't put it that way, but yes, and in some cases, interest."

"Did these really come through all at the same time?"

Patchouli nodded, "I believe they found out how much you're really worth."

Remilia sighed. For the most part, due to her perfectionist attitude and protectionist nature (and because, technically, it was also her job) Patchouli did the lion's share of handling the Mansion's assets and finances; but occasionally, Remilia had to do her share of negotiating and petty politics. Usually because it demanded first-person visits and travel that Patchouli's constitution could not handle. This was one of those occasions.

"I know these people, they aren't the kind to come to the mansion to talk under the guise of a party."

Patchouli grinned, "They're smart is what you're saying."

Remilia chuckled and then sighed, "Yeah, I'll have to go intimida-I mean, talk to them on their grounds."

Patchouli looked at the list, "I'll be missing you for a while then."

Remilia shook her head, "It shouldn't take more than a few days."

She leaned back, "Patch, why do we do business with these people?"

Patchouli replied matter-of-factly, "For the money."

Remilia sighed again, "Ah...right."

The two sat and stared at the papers for some time.

Patchouli looked up at Remilia, "Shall I tell Sakuya to ready the stagecoach?"

"I should be able to fly out to each one, one-by-one; but...I suppose I should show some tact (and having to move about in the daytime would be a bother). Yes, tell her so."

The preparations were made at once, and Sakuya readied a gigantic coach that looked more like it should be attached to the Orient Express than to the giant multi-horse hitch. Patchouli gave Remilia a list of the people and places to visit (with long, overdone detailed profiles). The command and more menial affairs of the mansion were passed Patchouli (and subsequently immediately passed to poor Koakuma). They saw Remilia and Sakuya and the messenger fairy off, and just like that, they were gone. The mansion, although it had temporarily lost only two inhabitants, felt immediately more empty. Now instead of their daily tea-time briefings, they would be relegated to communicate by letters.

~One moment, girls are now writing~

Over the next few days, Patchouli received the incoming status reports. Remilia maintained her progress of intimid-"diplomacy" through all the contacts. Usually convincing her subjects that they owed more than they actually did. Koakuma remained stressed dealing with the frankly idiotic tendencies of the house staff, Patchouli tended to her usual business both with trying to handle things "diplomatically" via letter for Remilia ahead of time and the mansion's rare other businesses; and Sakuya, for once, enjoyed having a vacation. By the eighth day, the penultimate according to schedule, Patchouli summarized the only remaining hold-outs.

Remi,

I have finished consulting services with the Tengus. Their newspaper companies have been split up appropriately so that the equipment manufacturer child company hides the profits. They seemed fairly pleased with nearly all of the tricks we learned back at the UP, and have paid interests to the mansion.

The final batch of renters have responded to our orders except a chosen few. I have copied and attached their correspondences.

~Patch

Remilia looked at the stack of papers attached. Most were claims of outlandish, hidden charges (what do you expect when you do business with a devil?). After looking through them she decided she would probably have to be more "aggressive" with more than a few of them, and began writing letters to meet with the more belligerant ones. Remilia's fussiness over the details of the correspondence with each and every owner meant that this took the majority of the rest of the day. By day's end she finally had time to give a short reply to Patchouli.

Patch,

I am going to meet with the "chosen few" in person. The fallout from this will probably straighten out the others. That said, I will be gone again tomorrow.

~Remi

She mindlessly and subconsciously added to the end

P.S. I really miss you.

Before her conscious mind could recognize what she had written, she was already folding up and sealing the envelope to send back to Patchouli. She craned her arm back, handing it to Sakuya to take care of the rest and went to bed. One more mindless meeting, there was only one more mindless meeting left. Sakuya diligently drove the coach through the daytime, and apart from one group of sorry bandits that thought they could mess with Sakuya (honestly, they were probably making as much money stealing money from bandits as they were from collecting rents from hold-outs), by sunset they had reached the final destination: a large plantation manor.

As had been arranged, other coaches from a few neighboring large well-to-do farmsteads made their into the manor. The manor had begun buzzing with the trite affairs of the lower levels of aristocracy. After refreshing herself, Sakuya made her way into Remilia's coach (which was probably a quarter the size of the manor) to rouse the mistress and get her dressed. Their routine was silent, not a word was said in briefing or in questions. Both knew what was the final order of business, and both had been through this same routine several times over the past few days. Remilia waited at the door as Sakuya grabbed the last few items of business, putting them into a satchel, and opened the door for Remilia. The two made their way to a small court of well-to-do's that had congregated in the manor's backyard.

Like every other day before, they were immediately accosted by a very large group of status-seeking aristocrats. Sakuya did an excellent job of scaring away potential greedy money-chasing suitors with particularly fierce gazes (although, no one instructed her to do so). And Remilia spent a few hours relegating herself to some of the trite, yet important, relation-building with some of the aristocracy that had come from nearby since she was already so close (and doing her best to ignore the rest). When she was done, she glanced around to the people she actually wanted to see. And without a word spoken, a silence had hushed over the crowd as Remilia, Sakuya, and the last few remaining wealthy hold-outs made their way into the manor's dining hall which had already been set by the manor's servants.

Remilia made her way to the table's head and looked at the assembled table. All were charlatans in her book, with such haphazard reasons even though their payments were secured by contract. After she sat down, so did the rest of those gathered. None spoke. Most probably did not honestly expect Remilia to actually come and were now sorry that she did. She picked up her tea and took a few, long sips while staring down the man directly across the table from her. It was enough to make the room even more anxious in the midst of the awkward silence. Diplomacy required finesse even with words that were not spoken, a skill that required incredible precision and took even Remilia many centuries to perfect.

And was consequently interrupted by a knock at the door.

Remilia did not move or falter, she did not adjust her gaze to the man nor drop her cup. Continuing to stare at the man seated directly across from her, she asked, "Sakuya, could you see who it is?"

The maid standing behind her at the door turned and peaked through the door. Sakuya could see (to her surprise) Patchouli with a briefcase of imposing legal documents. Fortunately, Sakuya chose the most menacing words a group of 30-40 something year-old aristocratic farmers could hear.

"It's your lawyer."

Remilia let out a grin that befitted a devil, "Let her in."

Patchouli let herself in with grace, and wearing something much more formal than her usual clothing (for once), "I apologize for being late."

She made herself to Remilia's side, taking out the contents of the briefcase. If there was one thing scarier than the devil, it was her lawyer.

~One moment, girls are now suing~

After not too much time later the assembled group had finally left, most with a few polite tips of the hat, but all left in the kind of reverred silence you'd expect to see at a funeral wake. Remilia, Patchouli, and Sakuya waited patiently until they were alone in the room.

Once they had left, Remilia immediately turned to Patchouli, grasping her hand, "I thought you told me you were too weak to come."

By now, since the antagonists' departures, Patchouli's posture had visibly slouched, her face weakened, and her breath picked up, "I am."

Remilia intensified her gaze, "Then why? This is a trivial matter I could have handled myself."

Patchouli reached into a fold in her briefcase, producing a letter, and handed it to Remilia.

Remilia let go of Patchouli's hand and took the letter, looking it over quickly, "...This is just the letter I sent yo-" she stopped mid-sentence, noticing what she had done, "I...really wrote that?"

Remilia felt Sakuya trying to peep over her shoulder, and quickly closed the letter before she could see it.

She remained staring for a while at the closed letter, "You came out here because of that one line?"

Patchouli did not respond, and when Remilia looked over she found her already asleep from exhaustion.

She smiled quietly reached out patted her on the head, "Well, your instincts were right."


	3. Tuesdays with Remilia

Koakuma stood beside Patchouli's bed, shaking her gently, "Lady Patchouli, it's time to wake up."

Patchouli's eyes popped open as her mind slowly began to wake and boot up.

Koakuma usually spent this time going over what sort of project agendas were occurring that day, as well as helping Patchouli get up. Today was no different.

"I'm afraid I mixed up your schedule for today lady Patchouli."

Patchouli slowly sat up as Koakuma helped her dress, "Oh? Why is that?"

"I was reminded recently to check the astrolabe...today is the day of the lunar eclipse."

Patchouli's eyes widened, "_Today_?"

Koakuma nodded.

"I'm surprised this almost passed my glance, it's good you checked. How much time do we have to prepare?"

"It's 8 p.m. now, so it will hit its climax by 3 a.m.."

Koakuma helped Patchouli stand up and retrieve her grimoire.

"I see. Koakuma, please go to Sakuya and tell her to find Marisa and meet us in the library. Do tell her that it is urgent."

Koakuma nodded, took her leave from Patchouli's room, and flew off. Patchouli and Koakuma spent their time organizing and disseminating information, wards, and duties to the house staff. By the time Marisa and Sakuya arrived, the library looked like a bee's nest.

Sakuya managed to push through the crowd to a desk where Koakuma and Patchouli were stationed behind, "Lady Patchouli, I've brought Marisa."

Marisa popped through the crowd shortly after, "Ah, geez, security is tight today, what the hell is up, ze?"

Patchouli looked up to the two and stood up, "Oh good, I'm glad you could come."

She signaled to Koakuma, who moved some of the people around to give Patchouli some more room to speak as she began her briefing.

"I believe this is a first for the both of you, but tonight there will be a nearly _direct_ lunar eclipse above Gensokyo."

Sakuya nodded, "So then, all of this is probably for lady Remilia's care?"

Patchouli corrected her, "Lady Remilia should be fine. All of this is for lady Flandre."

Marisa replied, "So, judging from context, lunar eclipses are another one of the long list of a vampire's strange quirky weaknesses? I'm guessing it has something similar with how a vampire is weakest on a new moon, 'cuz they get power from the moon or something.'"

Patchouli nodded, "Right." (something similar happened when the Eientei people were up to their tricks)

Marisa continued, "Then...what's the problem, shouldn't they be weaker on a lunar eclipse?"

Patchouli shook her head, "It's not that simple. The temporary irregularity in the moon's wanes causes temporary irregularities for a vampire."

"Meaning?"

"Meaning they go slightly off-kilter during a lunar eclipse."

"So...you're saying it's possible for Flandre to go even _more_ insane?"

Patchouli nodded, "Which is why you're here, and we're doing this."

Marisa looked at Patchouli grimly, "...You want me to babysit the psycho-child?"

Patchouli nodded.

"...What's in it for me?"

Patchouli looked at Marisa grimly, "The last time this happened and we were unprepared, the Ottomans lost Aqaba not too long after..."

"Why would I care whether a bunch of foot-stools lost...whatever the hell an Ak-ah-bah is? (armrests?)"

"Ottoman was the name of an empire. Aqaba was a city."

Marisa's eyes widened, "Oh, so this is to keep her from leveling Gensokyo..." she paused for a moment, "So, what exactly do we do?"

"I will attend personally to Remi. Koakuma will direct a few fairies for protection wards to her care. The rest of the fairies will attend to protection wards under the direction of Sakuya for lady Flande, who will be directly under your care, Marisa."

"Any suggestions?"

Patchouli paused in a thoughtful gaze for a while, "No. Good luck."

Sakuya nodded, "Then let's get into position."

Patchouli left Marisa gaping.

~One moment, girls are now preparing.~

As midnight had closed in, everything was already well prepared, and Patchouli had cleared everyone out of Remilia's room. She left to get one more finishing touch, and returned with it: two bottles of wine. As she entered the room, she closed the door behind her with her feet.

"This really is overkill, Patch, You really should be more worried about my sister."

Patchouli placed the two bottles in the middle of the table, "Nonsense, I've managed to get the only person more insane than your sister to look over her."

Remilia paused, "I somehow know you're talking about Marisa, and I'm not sure whether I should be more or less worried..."

Patchouli produced a corkscrew and took the corks out from both bottles, handing a bottle to Remilia.

"No fancy dinnerware tonight?"

Patchouli shrugged, "Unlike other nights, no one's watching tonight."

Patchouli toasted her bottle against Remilia's and drank straight from it.

Remilia shook her head, "I like to dress nice, you walk around in your PJs, I like to drink from fine goblets, you like to drink straight from the bottle."

Patchouli leaned in, "Remi, it's alright, it'll be our secret."

Remilia just stayed put, staring at the bottle.

Patchouli rolled her eyes, "Alright."

She left and returned soon thereafter with a pair of wine glasses, and poured into the respective glasses.

She sat down and toasted her glass against Remilia's, "Happy?"

Remilia, smiling and flapping her wings a little, replied, "Yes."

Patchouli stared out the window to the night sky, the eclipse was not yet at hand, but the Moon's color was already changing, "Are you sure you'll be alright tonight, Remi?"

"Patchu, you worry and care for me far too much."

Patchouli blinked, "So...yes?"

Remilia sighed, "Yes, I should be O.K.."

Patchouli sat back as the two sat in silence, stared at the Moon, and drank their wine.

After some time, the eclipse finally started to occur, and as it slowly started to make its way across the surface, almost immediately Remilia began to feel uncomfortable.

"Dammit, I was able to handle Eientei's nonsense...I've been through this so many times before, why..."

Patchouli got up and walked over to Remilia, "Let's lay down."

"No, I should be able to handle th-" but as soon as Patchouli lifted up Remilia, she had stopped resisting.

Patchouli placed Remilia down on her bed, "Better?"

Remilia closed her eyes and nodded.

Soon after, Remilia suddenly raised her head, "My sister-"

Patchouli shook her head and pushed Remilia's head back down, "Your sister is fine, as evidenced by the fact that the mansion is still standing."

Remilia closed her eyes again as Patchouli pulled over a chair and sat beside the bed, pulling out a book and reading quietly.

The two sat in silence as the eclipse took its sweet time.

"Patch, why have you been with me this long?"

"I owe you quite a lot in favors, Remi."

Remilia turned her head over to look at Patchouli, "If anything, you're the one I owe. I wouldn't be able to afford this mansion...if..."

Patchouli didn't respond, and continued reading through Remilia's delirium.

Remilia tried to get her attention again, "Patch...I lo..." before drifting off into sleep. Patchouli continued to read.


	4. Wednesdays with Patchouli

Of all things, the one that Remilia hated the most was dining by herself at the dinner table.

"Sakuya, don't tell me that Patch is busy yet again."

Sakuya tilted her head, "She shouldn't be, Koakuma told me that her affairs had been light of late."

Remilia sighed, "I should have scheduled a dinner party for today instead of yesterday."

"Shall I bring Lady Patchouli?"

She waved her hand, "It's fine Sakuya, I will confront her myself."

Remilia got up and left the table maintaining her usual commanding presence with Sakuya following her from behind. They made their way past the wandering stairways and down deep into the Scarlet Devil Mansion. Eventually, they came across two large interlocking wooden doors forming the entrance to the grand Voile Library. Upon entering, the vast cavern of books lay before them. They made their way to Patchouli's desk.

Remilia looked about the piled of books, papers, and reports.

"Patch?"

She was nowhere to be found.

Koakuma peered around the corner, "Lady Remilia, are you looking for Lady Patchouli?"

Remilia nodded.

"She seemed to be having another attack and went to go lie down."

Remilia sighed and nodded again as Koakuma excused herself.

"Shall we go check up on her Sakuya?"

Sakuya nodded her head, "If you wish, mistress."

They made their way across the vast library to Patchouli's room. It was slowly beginning to dawn on Remilia how much of her time was spent in simply walking. When they arrived, Remilia knocked on the door.

"Patch? I'm coming in."

She found Patchouli in her typical wretched physical state. She was under the covers, eyelids closed, and taking sharp, shallow breaths.

Remilia shook Patchouli's shoulder, "Hey, Patch."

She didn't respond. The gravity of the situation had hit in Remilia's mind. She had such an intense connection with Patchouli that with one look she could tell the minute differences in her appearance, and that her face was not one signifying the typical asthmatic attacks her body had come to bear, but something different, and more serious.

Remilia's expression immediately changed from her normal charismatic mask to a more sullen and worried version, "Patch?"

This time Patchouli did not answer, her breathing remained heavy and constrained, and her eyelids closed tightly in pain.

Remilia fell to her knees at the side of the bed gripping Patchouli's hand tightly, her voice changed to a very strong and imperative one,"Sakuya, get Eirin. Now."

Eirin tapped and prodded about, performing a dance beyond Remilia's, Koakuma's, or Sakuya's knowledge. Patchouli remained unchanged throughout the examination. She kept the intense, heavy breathing with closed, painful eyelids. After leaning over while performing her various tests, she stood back with a thoughtful and pensive gaze.

"This...is not a medical problem, it is a magical one."

She turned to Koakuma, "Koakuma, was it?"

"Yes ma'am."

"You are her primary assistant, what was Patchouli researching?"

Koakuma nodded next to Patchouli's bedside, where a large stack of books already lay, "Illusionist magic, primarily."

Eirin paused and then went over to her bag and pulled out very thin white veil, placing it over Patchouli's head. Sounds emanated from Patchouli's head. For the most part they were grunts or mutterings.

Eirin nodded conclusively, "There is a condition, not a medical one, but a psychological one, in which magicians who drown themselves in the magic of illusion get trapped in a fantasy world. A world in which they live in their most powerful nightmares. A world in which they dream the things they wish with all their heart would never happen. It is a syndrome I have never witnessed until now, and I know nothing about it than hearsay. She might be fine after some time, but past this I'm afraid I can not help you."

No one said anything, what could be said?

Remilia remained blankly staring at Patchouli as Eirin gathered her belongings, tipped her hat, and was led out by Sakuya. And, for a time, Koakuma stood watching in disbelief before bowing her head and making her exit.

Remilia stayed, for the longest time just staring in disbelief. Outside, the moon set and the sun rose without Remilia's knowledge. She gripped Patchouli's hand tightly, her faced remained with tightly closed eyelids and shallow, harsh breaths.

"You fool, we have enough ventures, enough money, you don't have to please me any more than you already have..."

Patchouli groaned, "Remi..."

Remilia's face shot up at Patchouli as she nearly crushed her hand, "Patch?"

Patchouli's face grimaced, "No, Remi, don't go."

"Patch!-" Remilia caught herself, noticing that Patchouli could not hear her.

"Don't leave me Remi...don't die..."

Remilia thought, "Her worst nightmare...is my death?"

She grabbed Patchouli in embrace, pulling her upright and digging her head into her shoulder.

"Patchouli, don't make this sadder than it already is."

She grabbed her by the chin, making her pained face look at Remilia's tear-stricken face straight-on, "Can't you hear me? The love of your life is already before your eyes, you just have to open them! This cursed face be damned, open your heart and hear me so that you might open your eyes once more!"

Remilia closed her eyes, grabbed Patchouli's head between her hands and pressed her wet face against Patchouli's, "Damn it, I'm sorry...please open your eyes Patch."

She sobbed, and repeated herself, "Please just open your eyes, we've been together for longer than some human civilizations, don't let it end like this."

"Remi? Is that your spirit I feel?"

Remilia jolted her head up and her eyes open, tightening her embrace, "It's me! Damn it Patch, it's me!"

"Remi, I can hear you, please don't leave."

She shook her body, "WHY THE HELL WOULD I DO THAT?"

Remilia caught her breath enough to come to her senses. If Patchouli really was in a dream world that Remilia had access to, she just had to make Patchouli recognize this and then she could wake up.

Remilia wiped off her face, "Patch, what do you see around you?"

There was a pause, Patchouli's face remained unchanged throughout the process, "In your bedroom, right beside you."

Remilia remembered two things that she both got from Patchouli earlier: one was a devil's mirror in her dresser that could show the reflection of a vampire but of nothing else, and the other was that mirrors in dreams were a simple way of showing someone that they were in a dream.

"There is a devil's mirror in the dresser, go get it."

There was a small pause, "O.k...I got it."

"Look in it."

"...I see...myself...as well as the rest of the room. Are you sure you placed the mirr-"

"I'm sure of it Patch."

"Then what does this mean?"

"Patch, you're in a dream. Think about it, nothing makes sense. Why would an immortal vampire suddenly die?"

And just like that, Patchouli opened her eyes again into Remilia's.


	5. Bloodletting

"Mistress, may I ask you something?"

"Go ahead, Sakuya."

"Where do you get your blood from?"

Patchouli nearly spat out her tea before immediately looking away from Sakuya off into the distance.

Remilia tried to keep a more composed figure, but was obviously embarrassed, "Sakuya, it's, well..."

Patchouli looked over at Remilia, "Should we really be talking about this in the middle of the day?"

"Patche, she has to learn about this someday. We can't keep putting this off."

"So then-"

"I will-"

"You will?"

"No, I mean, if you were..."

"No, I'd rather not give the talk."

"I'd rather not either, you know."

Remilia sighed, "When a vampire and a blood-letter care about each other very, very much-"

Sakuya interrupted the two, "You know, I already have some idea that a vampire just bites you on the neck and suc-"

Remilia nearly exploded, "Sakuya!"

Her face went flush red and she hid herself in her hands, Patchouli was showing similar signs of embarrassment.

Remilia looked up at Sakuya, "Who taught you that?"

Patchouli whispered, "Thisissoembarrassing."

Sakuya blinked, she decided to dodge the question as this apparently already was a taboo subject, "I was just asking **who** you got your blood from...not how..."

Patchouli looked up and meekly replied, "That would be me."

_Huh, I thought it had to be __**human**__ blood_, Sakuya thought.

In a rare lapse of judgement, Sakuya thoughtlessly noted, "Is that why you're so anemic?"

Patchouli was once again thoroughly embarrassed, while Remilia nearly exploded again, "Just what are you implying?!"

"Well...we do...quite often..."

"Patche! You shouldn't say something like that at tea!"

"I was the one saying that earlier!"

Sakuya continued, this was far too fun, "But then from whom does Flandre receive her blood?"

Remilia was about to reply...until she figured out what was really going on. She narrowed her eyes and then looked up at Sakuya, "Flandre put you up to this, didn't she?"

_They found out_, Sakuya sighed.

She grinned, "Yes."


	6. A Prod Produced with Satin

Sakuya was pouring her tea, "Mistress, may I ask you something?"

Remilia craned her head over to Sakuya, "Oh? What? Did Flandre send you some new trick?"

Sakuya grinned as she placed Remilia's saucer, "No, I'm afraid not this time."

Her grin then disappeared, "It's about Patchouli."

Remilia looked over, "Did something happen to her?"

Sakuya shook her head, "No. That's the thing...why is isolation so normal for her?"

Remilia shrugged, "Alice is actually very similar, I think it is simply because she is a magician, and it seems to be the norm for their species. However, there are plenty of reasons from the past for this."

She took some tea before continuing, "You might think it would be the witch hunts, but I've had to deal with the even more maniacal vampire hunters and the crazed Belmont family. So, don't begin to think that that was the cause. Rather..." she paused, "I would place the blame on the aristocracy. If you didn't get used to how it worked, then it would be incredibly stifling. The kinds of social mind games that would result...sending you an invite to a prestigious dinner an hour before the dinner began and telling you it was a costume party when it really wasn't and all that sort of nonsense...I really wouldn't be surprised at shutting oneself in. That might be a reason. You almost wish for the straight-out crazed medieval clergymen to come after you."

"Did that happen to her?"

Remilia shook her head, "To an extent, which is why you see me go off to deal with the locals. However, given our experiences with the other magicians Patchouli happens to bump into...I'm pretty sure that that's just how magicians work. If you didn't know about vampires, you might ask Patchouli, 'Why does Remilia prefer going out at night instead of during the day?' Well, it's just how vampires are."

She looked over to Sakuya, "Why are you so interested, Sakuya?"

"Well, it's just..."

Sakuya struggled for an analogy.

"I was reading a book suggested by Patchouli, and...well..."

"If I ate nothing but the same sandwich every day for decades, I don't think it would matter how much I loved that sandwich, I think I would eventually grow to detest it. In the same way...I would get sick of seeing the same library and the same desk for so many centuries."

Remilia sank a little on hearing that.

"You know, a long time ago, before coming to Gensokyo, I used to have a friend who was a Count. He was married for many years, and it came to my attention that he was cheating on her. It..."

Remilia sighed, "The reasoning you gave me just now sounded almost identical to what he said. I do wonder from time to time if Patchouli does think similarly..."

Sakuya tried to cheer her up and change the subject, "Well, to have been here for so long, I'm sure Lady Patchouli must appreciate being here."

Remilia began spacing out listlessly, looking into the distance, "Do you think I should maybe urge her to go out?"

She fell silent with a sullen look on her face.

Sakuya read the mood and tried changing the topic more directly, "Were you going to the red-white's after this, mistress?"

She piped up, "Ah, yes. I'll go just after sunset, so do not bother with any special preparations.

"Very well," and with that Sakuya nodded and left Remilia to her tea.

Remilia drooped her head until her chin rested on the desk and whispered to the empty room, "Are you just here because I've kept you in here?"

Remilia ignored her earlier reasoning she had just given to Sakuya about Patchouli, _Were it me, I would feel as if I wanted to leave, but shouldn't. She __**must**__ want to leave..._

...

Her 'true left eye' called out to her, _I could find out..._

Remilia **could** use her powers of fate manipulation to prod Patchouli out for a bit-just to see if she honestly wanted to live here with her all the time. Obviously, she couldn't use fate manipulation directly to force Patchouli to tell her outright (this was mainly because of fatey-watey wibbly-wobbly destiny manipulation...stuff); but she could do what she was always used to doing: overly convoluted schemes. If Remilia set Patchouli off on a separate 'interest' by means of her powers, then she should have the ability to judge by her reaction whether her wishes really were genuine.

It was not unheard of. Remilia did have suitors, some of them quite successful, in the past. Some of whom...managed to do great harm.

But...Sakuya did have a point. Patchouli **had** been with her...here...for centuries, why worry about it now? Yet whenever Remilia tried to push it out of mind, a lingering paranoia and dread came flooding back...her own experiences denied such a simple explanation. Whenever she placed herself in a similar situation, she felt a pang of jealously due to...entrapment? She wasn't quite sure.

She opened her 'true left eye' to the strings of fate. She quickly found Patchouli's string undulating about her own. It was clear that she shared her fate. But, while Remilia could manipulate fates, and could view them as part of the process of manipulation, she could not see their meaning. It was like reading a previously read novel in an unknown foreign language. The syntax was immediately available to her, but the semantics were lost to her. Only the roughest notions, like the moves of a grandmaster, could be played.

Moreover, it was a dangerous power for quite another reason: the price was one's empathy. One possible theory as to why was because, quite simply, that was how the magic worked; and there had to be an equivalent exchange. The other theory was more interesting and psychological in nature. Rather, as one began to manipulate fate without fully grasping the semantics, a neurosis and paranoia were inevitably consequences. Sometimes, manipulating the fate of someone completely unrelated to yourself, could make the strings unchanged from Remilia's syntactical viewpoint—but the semantics would change entirely. What was a 'fate to love one another' could quickly become 'fate to kill one another'. Thus, the user is sometimes thrust into a world where emotions are random and without rhyme or reason. In response, like the experiments of rats subjected to random electrocutions, the brain's empathy center becomes entirely neurotic. However, the user still experiences emotions themselves in spite of being unable to process the emotions of others. This leaves something very odd in its wake: someone with no shortage of emotion, but a serious detriment of empathy.

Due to their proximity to each other earlier in Remilia's life when she still was grasping this powers, and her naïvety in using them at that age, those who lived with Remilia earlier in her life also received a similar psychological experiment. This may have been one of the main reasons as to why Flandre turned out the way she did.

She analyze the tangled webs, lines darting into space. She looked far into the past. There were plenty of places where it could have diverged, but some intervention kept Patchouli from diverging with her own—it was probably some intervention of her own.

_Someone like her sticking around me. No._ Was there an ulterior raison d'etre? There could be. Either that, or she never **actually **wanted to be here. Whenever she tried to think otherwise, there was an intense feeling of jealousy followed by a mental block in what she was just thinking about. A jealousy that was probably linked to her own past, that no one had bothered to ever link with her...

She pushed such thoughts aside.

_Surely, just one small chore?_ That would be enough for Remilia to find out...just a test.

No...let's make it stronger than that. She could fit in a slight attraction into the scheme. Her "left eye" darted about, making the necessary adjustments. After her handiwork, she closed her "left eye", and with it the strings of fate faded from Remilia's view. Then, she pulled out a piece of paper, writing a small letter to Patchouli.

"Sakuya!"

Sakuya materialized before Remilia, "Yes?"

Remilia handed the letter to Sakuya, contents showing, "Could you give this to Patche?"

Sakuya looked down at the letter, worried about their previous conversation, only to find that she had simply requested a book.

There could be no harm in that, right?

"Yes, M'Lady."


	7. A Lie Lined with Spikes

It felt like as soon as Patchouli had left, she had returned, slightly distraught, and with a brown bag. She didn't bother reorganizing. She didn't bother fixing herself back up. She went straight to Remilia's office. Entering without any care for appearance.

Not even needing to look, she grabbed the book, dropping nonchalantly on the ground. It fell unceremoniously as she gave Remilia a mile-long stare.

Remilia shook her head, "That won't do-"

"Why not?! Why are you trying to pawn me off all of a sudden, Remi?!"

Patchouli could read hidden intentions from a mile away.

"Because..."

_Because I don't understand why you would still want to be with me._

Remilia regained her composure.

A rising jealousy filled her upon thinking that Patchouli's intentions might have been honest all along, _No, keep to the plan._

"Look, Patchouli, it's a little bit immature to keep clinging on to me like this."

_If this is to find out Patchouli's true motives, then..._

"So, I will go arrange things myself, if I must."

_Why does this make me..._

"After all, I've moved on."

_Feel so horrible?_

She left the room to go find Marisa.

Mid-way through the hallway, her words caught up to her.

_I've moved on? How could I...say such a thing?_

_I haven't..._

She rested herself against a wall in the corridor.

_I haven't moved on at all!_

A voice told her to stop this. To go back into the room and take back all that she had said, to profusely beg for forgiveness. But reason stopped her, she could simply check the strings...

She looked both ways before flitting into a bat and hiding in the rafters along the hallway. Then, in peace, she could read the fate strings through her "left eye". But, when she looked...she couldn't read it. Well, she could read it, but its meaning had suddenly dissipated. It seemed she might have been losing practice.

Remilia returned back to her other form, grimacing.

_Well, might as well continue to plan and see Marisa..._


	8. A Truth Told with Cyanide

After having left to go arrange things with Marisa, Remilia could not stand it any more. Jealousy, anger, resentment...regret? She could not really tell. But, her rational mind had anticipated it ending like every other relationship she ever had. Patchouli had indeed dutifully left to go...dowhateveritwaswithMarisashewanted. She didn't care anymore, aside from the contingency case occurring. But, the chance that that would happen was sma-

She heard a knock at her door.

A voice crawled, muffled, from outside her chamber door, "Mistress, Lady Patchouli has returned."

Remilia sighed, it was time to deal with the contingency case.

She walked down the corridors over to Patchouli's room. And this time-unlike others-not a soul greeted her. There was a nausea in the air that made everyone else tense, and her indifferent. Even when she reached the door to the library, and met Koakuma, she stood aloof with a vacant stare.

Remilia entered, putting on her game-face.

She peered into the library. It was empty.

She instead entered the room, coming to the foot of Patchouli's bed.

Usually, Remilia would have a speech planned. She did, in fact, have one planned; but she found herself staring at Patchouli laying there, her voice unable to even make a croak.

_Come on, this is it, just a little bit more hardship and-_

The covers stirred a little bit, "Remi...why did you do this?"

Remilia could hear her crying.

"I knew you manipulated my fate to do this, but...I...trusted you. That you'd have some reason for all of this, that..."

She couldn't continue inbetween her fits for breath.

And in response, Remilia had nothing that could be said. Her eyes glazed over in an empty, sociopathic demeanor.

A very mild-mannered and complacent Remilia left the library.

She stood outside the door with a forlorn look on her face, unable to move.

Sakuya sidled up to her, "You planned this from the start, didn't you?"

Silence.

"Yes."

Sakuya gritted her teeth, "You would toy with someone so close...so recklessly?"

"I was not reckless."

"She could have left you, you know."

"You're wrong."

She was having trouble keeping calm, "...What if she finds out?"

"About?"

Her voice was nearly hissing by now, "That you were the one who did this to her."

"I-I may have planned this-that is true-but I was not the progenitor of these actions. Planning and agency are not synonymous."

She screamed at Remilia, "STOP TRYING TO BE 'academic', STOP TRYING TO TWIST THE FACTS, YOU MANIPULATED HE-"

Remilia gripped her fists, "SAKUYA, THAT IS ENOUGH!"

She had spun around, her cheeks flush with anger, and eyes holding back tears.

Sakuya shook her head, "No."

"No, tonight", she pointedly threw a finger at Remilia.

And, for a slight moment, she hesitated. She felt that gut-wrenching feeling of one on the precipice of rage, yet still able to see the chasm below and possibly turn back.

But this was a time when the chasm felt all too right, where the winds of the memories of the past come at once to give one last push, and Sakuya had plenty of memories of the closed-chamber dealings of one Remilia Scarlet.

She continued, her voice slowly gaining confidence, "Tonight...tonight...I am going to tell you off."

She straightened herself upright, her body casting a foreboding shadow over Remilia, "I've worked with you long enough to come to fully comprehend and 'appreciate' your truly devilish, backstabbing ways. I'm going to tell you how this **really** was supposed to happen. How anyone would think once they get through their initial naïvety after working with you long enough."

Keeping the rest of her posture taut, Sakuya threw her headdress in front of an agape Remilia, staring at her once complacent maid-who had now completely snapped, "You made this to fuel your control-freak streak: a natural result of someone who has control over, and thus is spoiled by, destiny itself. You wanted to make sure that she treated you like God, like an omnipotent master, for whatever motives you did not care for; and you'd have another subject completely to your whim. If she left and got rejected-which she would, because you set it up so that would happen-and came back to you-which she would, because you set it up so that would happen-then you would feel vindicated, you'd know that, like everyone else in your life, she wasn't here out of her own volition; but for some real-politicking raison'd'etre of her own! And you'd be able to use such a plot to find out why she **really** stuck with you! Because actually having trust for someone is a little too much too ask, isn't it?"

She let the passive aggressive curl that her sentence had ended on linger in the air.

Remilia was staring at the ground shivering, while Sakuya advanced a step further and continued, "Only, your plan actually backfired, didn't it? She left you-just like you planned. But wait, it all happened according to plan, didn't it? But there's something wrong, when you went to go talk to her, you realized that she didn't have a convoluted scheme to be here. That someone really did want to be with you, and your manipulations have left her completely confused. Why did she really leave to go off with someone else? Because you ordered her to, manipulated her fate to make her do so, and more importantly because she had **complete and total faith in you**. And now, there's a sinking feeling at the bottom of your heart."

Falling to the floor, she covered her ears, "Stop it! Stop!"

Sakuya pounded her fist on a nearby end-table, she certainly wasn't going to stop now, "THERE'S ONE THING YOU DID NOT ACCOUNT FOR! There's **one** thing you didn't account for in your maniacal scheming Remilia Scarlet!"

She pointed her finger triumphantly in the air at a dénouement she was taking pride in, "Something so obvious, something so plainly obvious to any being that has **any** sort of real **empathy**, and yet laid under your nose for centuries up until now. And what's that?"

She gave a slight pause before angrily pointing at Remilia, "That you love her! You **honestly** love her! 'Risk your own life for her'-love her! But even worse for you is that she **honestly** loved you back. She isn't just a mistress! She isn't just a convenient acquaintance! She's not just another pawn that you happened to have stashed away! She's not just an accountant nor your resident bookworm! You love her, and for the first time in your life you're humiliated because now you're not in the position of power! **You** don't know anymore if she loves you back! **You** destroyed the only thing in your life that was pure! **You** screwed it up! The one time in your life that someone wasn't around just to suck off you like a tick, and you screw it up. You failed! YOU LOST, **GOOD DAY MADAM!**"

And with that, Sakuya left. 

Post-script:

Reimu opened the door to the shrine, noticing a kneeling Sakuya before her.

"Sakuya? Just you today?" She yawned, scratching her armpit, "Where's the little one? Why are you on the floor?"

Sakuya bowed her head to the floor, "Thank you for having me, I'm afraid I'll have to stay here for a while."

Reimu stood frozen, blinking, "...whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?"


	9. A Confession Connoted with Solace

Sometime after Sakuya's remonstration, Remilia found she had regained her will staring up at the ceiling from inside her coffin. It was rare, but she had to admit it to herself. This was one of those rare times in her life...

_I was wrong._

She sighed upon thinking that. At least she got quicker to admitting this as she got older.

_Time to make amends._

She got out of her coffin and headed straight back to Patchouli's bed. The walk to her room feeling something like a complete daze.

She flopped down beside her, "This was a bad idea, wasn't it?"

Patchouli still had her head muffled in the pillowcase, "Yes."

There was a silence as Remilia took a breath.

She finally found her voice, and said sheepishly, "I'm sorry."

Patchouli looked over at Remilia spacing out at the ceiling, "How could you even...I was the one who...who..."

Remilia shook her head, "No!"

Remilia sat up, "I kept pushing you to do this, kept setting everything brilliantly manipulated like I always do. All because...because..."

She took a breath, "Because I was scared? No one has stuck by me this long. They always leave, cut contact, tell me off, or are completely dependent. Or because I was jealous? Jealous that you didn't seem to have the same fears that I always had? I don't know! But I didn't want you to leave, I wanted to have some reason to stay with you, so I thought this might be a way. I thought I had to do something, to change something before you..l..."

In a rare showing for a vampire, Remilia began to cry.

"Ow," she sniffed, "Ow, ow."

It's kind of a shame that a vampire's physiological weakness to running water messes up touching romantic moments like these.

Patchouli got up and held Remilia, "I've learned to deal with this part of you too, Remi, don't worry about it."

As Remilia calmed down, the two sat in a deafening silence.

Patchouli's rational mind started to churn, "What happened to Sakuya?"

Remilia groaned in reply.


	10. A Secret Sealed with Superciliousness

Sakuya set down the cup in front of Patchouli. She was glad that things were settled so quickly between the two.

"Are you sure it's wise to stay here like this?"

Patchouli grinned, "I suppose a wonderful side-effect of all this is that you've become a bit more bold in your remonstrations, Sakuya."

Sakuya paused, looking over Patchouli quizzically for the longest time. Why would she say such a thing after something like this?

In response, Patchouli 'changed topics', "Say, did you read that book I suggested you?"

"Oh, some time ago back when you suggested. It surprised me that he left after being married for so long..."

Sakuya froze, her brain at once giving a completely different conspiratorial view of what had happened between Patchouli and Remilia; and she slowly craned her neck in fear to the slight, anemic girl sitting beside her. It was not long before that fear turned to an anger similar to that which arose in Sakuya during her remonstration against Remilia.

She gritted her teeth, "**You** masterminded her masterminding you! Moreover, you made **me** a pawn in your little game!"

She paused, letting the realization sink in to herself first, before hissing, "Why?"

However, to Sakuya's surprise, Patchouli did not become defensive as Remilia did, but rather became slightly depressed when she responded.

"Because this is the only means I have to 'talk' to her."

Sakuya's anger quickly gave way to confusion.

Patchouli explained, "It's due to Remi's power. When you control fate for centuries at a time, you have no idea whether someone is actually saying something to you, or whether you're making them say something to you. The line between puppet and person begins to blur. Actual conversation frequently becomes impossible."

She sighed, "It took me all too long to recognize that..."

After an awkward silence, she continued, "If I want to so much as tell her that I like her dress I need to go through cockamamie schemes like this. Over the years Remi has become far too paranoid to accept even a simple complement."

She turned to face Sakuya in order to explain the phenomenon further, "Her superiority complex comes really as a result of a low self-esteem. The low self-esteem comes as a result of her powers. Because fate is so easily manipulated from her perspective, she does not know whether what she has done is really **her** doing. It seems to be odd reasoning, since, after all, isn't she the one who controls fate anyways? But, Sakuya, if you had a machine that did your job for you, how confident would you be in your skills? In retaining your place?"

Sakuya shook her head, "Not very, I guess, but aren't you dodging the question?"

Patchouli brought a finger up to the air, "Don't worry, I'm getting to it."

She brought it down again, "And don't let her fool you. She is an impeccable actress. She is much more paranoid than she lets on."

She emphasized this point, looking straight at Sakuya to make sure she understood, "**Remi is much more paranoid than she lets on**. Not because of a Sword of Damocles as one might think from our dealings with the Belmonts and the Inquisition and the Czar and the Nazis and the KGB and Pol Pot's men &c., but out of necessity due to the lack of empathy that her powers of fate have necessitated. She has relied on her powers to such an extent that it makes it impossible for her to have the ability to trust."

She paused a bit before continuing her story, "Thus my 'intelligence' is not due to my effort, but out of necessity as well. In short, I did this because I had something very important to tell her. Something that I'm sure she already knew, since I have said it outright. But I've always put off trying to truly say it to her in the manner I just described until now."

Patchouli's reason gave Sakuya ample reason to calm down, "Then, what did you 'say' to her?"

Patchouli got up and turned her back to Sakuya before she could show her reaction, and replied in a slightly higher pitched yet diminished voice, "Oh come now Sakuya, isn't that plainly obvious by now?"

She walked off into the stacks, trying to hide her plainly evident embarrassment.

Sakuya, in turn, stood back and smiled.

_I suppose I can forgive her on this one._


	11. Bonus Chapter

_I can't forgive her on this one._

Sakuya shot up from her bed. It had bugged her. There was one plot hole that had bugged her the entire night. One hunch that had left her unscathed. One lynchpin to what Patchouli had told her. One gaping plothole. She entered the library like a cowboy entering a saloon.

Koakuma flinched at the sudden entrance, staring down Sakuya (who was now fixated on her) in fear. As Sakuya advanced (was she actually wearing spurs, or was Koakuma just hearing things?), she eventually found herself backed up against a bookshelf.

"Where's Patchouli," asked Sakuya flatly.

"Sleeping."

Sakuya pivoted herself to Patchouli's bedroom, making a bee-line for it, opening her bedroom doors with a sudden bravado.

Patchouli stirred to the light, "Who is it?"

Sakuya made her way to the side of Patchouli's bed, "Why doesn't Lady Remilia know outright?"

Patchouli's voice croaked with the strain of one suddenly awakened, "Sakuya?"

Sakuya stopped abruptly and with military-like precision beside Patchouli's bed, "If it's true, then she shouldn't have been so paranoid and acted so carelessly."

Patchouli groggily got up, "If what's tr—what are you doing in my bedroom, Sakuya?"

Sakuya slammed her fist on a nearby end table, if she had to be the provocateur, then she had to be the provocateur!

"Don't mess with me! I've had it up to here being messed with this week! You love Remilia! So why doesn't she know?! You've been around each other for centuries! Why doesn't she trust you outright!"

Patchouli went flush red, "Th—how did you know?"

Sakuya's face fell flat, _You...you've got to be kidding me._

"Look ,she sucks your blood, doesn't she?"

Patchouli was burying her face in her hands, "That's! You shouldn't mention that so...I mean that's not exactly friends, but not exactly lovers, but—ohnodidIsayloversImean-"

Sakuya nearly had an aneurysm, _Oh god...she's serious...how could you go through such mental chess games and not realize something so obvious?!_

"Patchouli, look at me."

Patchouli remained embarrassed.

"Patchouli."

Patchouli squeaked.

"Look."

"No."

"Look at me."

"Noooo~"

Sakuya put her face right next to Patchouli's, slamming her palm on top of Patchouli's head, "Quiz time is over! Didn't you ever think it was more than just this!"

Patchouli gritted her teeth.

Sakuya pushed down harder, "Answer the question!"

"Of course! Of course I love her! Why are you asking something so obvious?! All the times we had to protect each other and start from scratch again?! Of course I'd have feelings for her after all of that!"

Sakuya stood back up, with her arms folded proudly across her chest.

"You need to tell her. Right now."

"Now now-? I mean! No! I can't do that! She's too-"

"Tell her."

"But she'll"

Sakuya was getting annoyed, "Right now."

"I can't!"

Sakuya exploded again, "WELL I CAN'T BELIEVE SOMETHING SO OBVIOUS THAT CAUSES NEARLY DISASTROUS CONSEQUENCES WITH THE FATE STREAM HASN'T BEEN SET STRAIGHT! I CAN'T BELIEVE THE TWO OF YOUR ARE THIS DENSE!"

Patchouli replied in kind, "I CA-hac," she descended into a fit of coughing before suddenly pausing.

"Wait."

Patchouli looked up to Sakuya, "What do you mean, we're _both_ dense?"

Sakuya froze, and now it was Patchouli's turn to burst out of the bedroom, the library, and make a beeline for Remilia's room.

Sakuya was trailing behind her, and now her rational mind was beginning to doubt the rash choice she had made, "Wait, Patchouli, I-"

"This is what you wanted, isn't it?!"

She opened up the door to Remilia's room, and began to knock on Remilia's coffin.

Remilia burst out, "What are you doing! It echoes in there!"

Patchouli was nearly furious, "Remilia Scarlet!"

For one of the rare moments in her life, Remilia was scared.

"Y...yes?"

Patchouli just glared at her.

"W...what?"

And, yet again, Sakuya's rational mind got crowded out again, causing Sakuya to burst in front of her, "Tell her what I had to tell you! If you can say it for me, you can say it for her! Now say it!"

Remilia now found two angry faces staring at her, "What did I do?!"

Sakuya pointed at Remilia, "You remember what I told you that night! Now you tell her straight so we don't have to go through that again!"

Remilia shot Sakuya a blank face for a while...

Before it suddenly lit red.

Patchouli gaped, "Sakuya was right..."

Sakuya rolled her eyes, _Did it really take you two this long?_

Patchouli's face resumed one of anger, "I can't believe you Remilia!"

She gripped Remilia's hand tightly and dragged her all the way to the library to a very large, locked bookshelf near the back of the library.

"All of them! Love diaries!"

Remilia finally processed what had just happened and retorted, "I can't believe **you**!"

She turned to Sakuya, "Sakuya! Bring me the bottom drawer of my dresser!"

With the magic of time manipulation, an instant later Remilia had the said drawer in her arms.

And she ungracefully dumped it at Patchouli's feet.

"All love letters I never sent you!"

Patchouli dragged Remilia to the basement, in a storeroom beside her alchemy lab.

She pointed to a shelf, "All love potions I've meant to give you!"

Remilia dragged Patchouli to her closet, where there lay a hidden trap door full of crotchet.

She pulled one up, "All crocheted messages to confess to you that I never gave you!"

They both yelled at each other, "Who's the dense one now?!"

Koakuma came up from behind, saving Sakuya from needing to answer (which was fortunate, as she thought she really was having an aneurysm), "God. You two are idiots."


	12. Inconsiderate Hunters

"Oh? Meiling, this is rare, what's the matter?"

Meiling shakily replied, "You have received this."

She handed Remilia a note.

Remilia read, "...yadda yadda yadda...we're gonna kill you...blablabla...we're the best...blablabla...," she threw it away onto the table, rolling her eyes.

Patchouli cocked her head, "Remi? What all did it really say?"

Remilia waved her hand, "Yet another vampire hunter and inquisitor duo want to take us down."

Patchouli sighed, "I thought of all places we would be done with this in Gensokyo."

"Still."

Patchouli raised an eyebrow, "Still?"

Remilia took on a very Genma-esque stance, "It has been a while since you, me, and Flandre have been able to have a right proper good old fashioned Hellsinger like battle like this."

A rare smile even began to creep against Patchouli's face, "Maybe we should even give handicaps?"

"Ohoho, feeling cocky Patchy?"

"Me and you against Sakuya, Meiling, and the duo."

"And, of course, my dear sister as the secret boss."

Patchouli actually put down the book she was reading for once, she was so excited, "Oh, I love the ignorant ones. Who come practically dressed in garlic and holy water and silver and stakes and crosses during a new moon with escape routes planned to the nearest rivers-as if we hadn't already made counter-strategies to such silly follies. That or the ignorant mobs with crucifixes in hand."

She paused to look off wistfully, comparing the two like fine wines, "I'm not sure which one I prefer..."

Remilia was rubbing her hands together in a greedy delight, "No, Patchy, better the prepared ones, that way we can make up some little bogus plot about they have to defeat us to save the world or something."

In unison, they squealed, and said with glee, "Oh, it's going to be a good. Old. Fashioned..."

They clasped their hands staring into the other's gleaming face.

"Witch Hunt!"

"Vampire Hunt!"

Patchouli looked excitedly over at Remilia, "Oh, the closest new moon is just three days from now, right? We should probably prepare a sequence of interesting mini-bosses for them to fight, and-"

"Ah, no Patch, they're coming tonight."

Patchouli blinked, "Tonight? But...tonight is of no celestial significance. No comets. No aligning of the planets. Not even a new or full moon. May I?"

Remilia passed the note over.

Patchouli took the note and held it up,"

to the bad sattan worshipers,

u r really bad and wer gonna stop u

no spell card we do dis rite

sinserlee

~youre worst nitemair"

Patchouli gave herself a moment to recover.

"...This is the worst penmanship and grammar I've ever seen."

Remilia sighed, "I know, and vampire hunters _used_ to handle themselves with such dignity and grace. It's as if...ever since the Belmonts, people forgot how to hunt vampires _properly_."

Patchouli sighed, "Witch hunters _used_ to handle themselves with such dignity and grace. It's as if...ever since Salem, people forgot how to hunt witches _properly_."

Both Remilia and Patchouli sighed, looking particularly glum.

Sakuya...wasn't exactly empathizing at the same level as the other two present...they did realize they received a death threat, right? Nonetheless, it was Sakuya's duty to cheer up the master.

"Ah, Mistress...maybe you should at least wait and give them a chance?"

Remilia stood up, and then took a deep breath to refresh herself, "Sakuya's right, Patch. Besides, it's been so long since there's been a right proper hunting that we might as well take what we can get."

Patchouli got up, "Well, shall we prepare?"

Meiling interrupted, "Actually, they're already here."

Patchouli and Remilia swung around in surprise, "What?!"

There was a slight pause.

Remilia, Patchouli, and Sakuya yelled in unison in reply, "Then why are you here?! Get out their and stop them!"

"A...actually, they waited quite nicely when I said I would deliver this note..."

Remilia groaned, "Haven't you ever heard of a ruse?!"

Patchouli looked out the window, "Actually, she's right. There's two of them. And they're waiting quite patiently."

Remilia crowded next to the window beside Patchouli, "They're fighting with pitchforks?"

Patchouli sighed, "They aren't even wearing anything special. Like inquisition clothing."

Remilia continued her train of thought independently from Patchouli, "That's a weapon you use if you're in a mob. Two people hardly consists of a mob."

Patchouli continued likewise, "Don't they know that you're supposed to kill a witch by burning them at the stake?"

"The pitchforks don't even have any silver in them!"

"They don't even-!"

Patchouli and Remilia angrily looked at each other before simultaneously open the window and floating over to the intruders.

"Ah! So you've finally came to face us I see! Tremlin' in your quakers?"

The two landed, with very disappointed looks on their faces.

"Oh, what's this? Cats got your ton-"

Remilia interrupted, "Shut up! What is this!"

"W..well it's a right proper-"

Patchouli interrupted, and was quite furious, "No! No it's not! You haven't done anything right! It's not even a new moon! It's gibbous for Christ's sake! Do you know what you're doing?!"

She was nearly in tears. It was like finding out there were no Christmas presents for you.

Remilia took her turn, "You aren't using magically enchanted or silver plated weapons-"

Patchouli added, "You don't have anyone prepared to preform exorcism rituals-"

Remilia again, "I can't even smell any garlic-"

Patchouli again, "No holy water-"

Remilia again, "No flashy mob-"

Patchouli again, "No gaudy outfit-"

Remilia again, "No weird weapon choice-"

They both sighed, depressed.

By then, Meiling had already taken her post.

Remilia looked over to her, "Meiling. Only give me _serious_ notices in the future."

She nodded, "Yes ma'am."

The two turned away from the 'invaders', ignoring them as they went back inside. Meanwhile, Meiling patiently convinced them to go away.

The two mumbled in unison:

Remilia shook her head, "Back in my day, vampire hunting used to _mean_ something."  
>Patchouli shook her head, "Back in my day, witch hunting used to <em>mean<em> something."


	13. Unconsidered Hunters

"Oh? Meiling? Why are you not at your post?"

Meiling passed Remilia a letter, "This seems urgent, so..."

Patchouli leaned over to look at the letter-it had a holy symbol on the front and the stench of garlic and holy water sealing it up.

Remilia noticed as well and looked up to Patchouli, "Could it be?"

Patchouli was actually excited enough to put her book down and scoot her chair next to Remilia.

She opened the letter, at which point the two practically squealed.

"A vampire hunter!"

"An inquisitor!"

Remilia gave Patchouli the note, "Ohhh! Here Patchy, read it! Read it!"

Patchouli took the note and held it up,"

To the Unholy Servants of Satan,

We are willing to forsake spell card rules if it is so mutually agreed. Regardless, prepare yourself for when the skies are hidden from your evil magicks on morrow's night.

May God Have Mercy,

~Golbeza and Barbarossa"

Remilia looked like it was her birthday. Patchouli was in tears.

Remilia, smiling, folded the note, "We have to get ready for tomorrow, Patchouli."

Patchouli nodded, wiping off her tears of joy, "Shall we prepare ourselves after some sleep?"

Remilia nodded.

~One moment, girls are napping~

There are times in one's life where nature itself knows of danger, but can not precisely identify the nature or cause of the danger itself. It was in this state that Remilia Scarlet found herself awake. She could not identify _why_ she had suddenly awoke, only that she indeed had. Normally, she would have taken this as a small bout of insomnia, but something in her half-millenia of experience was shouting against this, and it wasn't just the natural anxiety she felt during the tail end of a new moon.

She opened up the coffin slowly, quietly. Peeking out through the tiniest crack. That was when she could identify it. The reason for why she had suddenly felt off-kilter.

The smallest trace of garlic.

She quickly made her way to Patchouli's room.

"Patchy, wake up."

She didn't wake up.

She slapped her.

"Ag-"

Remilia immediately put her hands over Patchouli's face and a finger to her lips before she removed her hands.

"Hunters, I think they decided to come at a different time than announced," she whispered.

Patchouli was at one moment actually excited that there were proper hunters, but also incredibly frightened given that Remilia was being so cautious for once.

Patchouli got out of bed, whispering in reply, "No one has triggered any of my traps."

For a moment, she was wondering if Remilia hadn't just been having some bout of overactive anxiety. But, she trusted her quite well and began to survey her surroundings. And then just as suddenly, she paused, while a twinge of fear had suddenly gripped her, causing her eyebrows to heighten.

"What is it?"

"I can not possess Koakuma."

"Why?"

"I don't know."

"Is she dead?"

"I don't even know that."

"How can you-"

She hissed through her gritted teeth, "I told you Remi. I. Don't. Know!"

At once they realized that the situation was no mere romp of ignorant humans, and a dose of humility was hitting them. Remilia grimaced, she could morph into a bat and save herself quite easily, but Patchouli did not have this option.

She grabbed Patchouli's hands, "Listen, Remi, I want you to take the back entrance to the catacombs and-"

Patchouli gave Remilia a flatlined melancholic look as she grabbed Remilia's hands and began dragging her along.

"What are you-"

Patchouli whipped her head around, "No. I'm not letting you fall into some cheesy 'protective dad' stereotype. You're coming with me."

Remilia took her hand away from Patchouli, "...Fine."

They walked to the middle of the library in silence, whereupon Patchouli began trying to pick out books from the bookshelf in order to activate her hidden entrance.

"Really? And you were getting on my case about falling into cliches and stereotypes."

Patchouli continued searching, "Oh shut it."

Remilia began looking at the titles, "Do you remember what book it was?"

"King James version of the Bible."

Remilia lowered her eyes.

"I thought it was funny."

Remilia immediately reached out and pulled it. She could sense a holy book from nearly anywhere. In turn, there was a small click which allowed the bookcase to swivel, and the duo made their way down into the catacombs.

"Did you sense Sakuya?"

"She told me the other day that she was going off to town."

"Hm, for classic witch-"

Remilia interrupted, "Vampire-"

Patchouli ignored this, keeping to her fantasy, "Hunters to catch us off guard like this, it probably means that there is a mole somewhere."

"That sounds like something to worry about afterwards."

Patchouli hummed in agreement.

"So, what are the defenses we have down here?"

"Oh, this is pretty old fashioned. I think it's a bunch of medusa heads and giant bats for the first good while, then there's your throne room, and finally my study."

Remilia glared at her, "You mean your study, and then my throne room."

Patchouli huffed, "Oh come on, you've always been the stupid final boss. Can't I get some action here for once?"

Remilia wanted to argue, but realized that they probably should take the threat seriously and just continued wordlessly.

This, of course, meant that Patchouli immediately picked up on the cue that Remilia was actually telling her. What Remilia was really saying was, "As soon as this is over, we are going to have a serious discussion about this, missy!"

They stopped in front of two large double doors, which opened automatically for Remilia, showing a long expanse of Doric columns, which lead further to another set of double doors to the throne room proper.

Remilia shot a glance to Patchouli.

Patchouli looked away shyly, "Alright, maybe it would be better if we switched rooms-"

Remilia voice curled in the air, "Did you really think I'd be o.k. with an architectural reference to Garland? There's a reason he's the black sheep of the family!"

Patchouli floated up and took the throne. Upon doing so, she took a much more...regal air than Remilia had anticipated.

"I'll take it, just go on, _your highness_."

Remilia rolled her eyes and continued to the double doors behind Patchouli.

The doors closed automatically behind her. In front of her was a truly regal room. It was simple marble with a large, clear glass arched window in the back, and a throne constructed of ornate bone immediately in front. As she sat upon it, Remilia began to notice that the room was actually filled with a very large number of wards, charms, and...

And she suddenly realized that Patchouli had duped her. She purposefully made the other room the way it was so that Remilia would have chosen the more protected room because of her incredible vanity.

_Dammit, Patchy._

She took the throne.

All that was left to do was wait. Well, wait and anticipate the Hunters(' plural?) advance.

Patchouli, meanwhile, began making sure that their minions had properly spawned, and began fortifying her palisade. It would be a long night...

"Well, I still have quite a while to wai-"

An army of golems began marching in to her room.

_Crap,_ Patchouli thought, _I forgot that this was Gensokyo hunters we would be talking about._

She started up her offense, dispelling the armies with the easiest grace of her own touch. However, as she got into a groove of dispelling the horde, she let down her guard. She forgot to analyze the source, and, well, everyone has their weak moments. By the forces of misfortune, just as soon as her preparations were in place they were cast down by a stray magic missile hitting her in the shoulder. She looked up to see two cloaked figures. As part of her instinct, she began to throw up barriers in a vain attempt to turtle them-her fallback strategy to be sure. She backed herself slowly while avoiding as much interference from the army and the cloaked figures as she could. She screwed up, but not completely, for Remilia was her back up card, so she had confidence. Especially if she unleashed the door exactly at correct timing with the Moon.

Remilia, on the other hand, could sense exactly what was happening in the next room. She had already descended from her throne, making her way to the door, trying to break it open. That was fine for Patchouli. All she would have to do would be to turtle and attrition, as she could easily at least keep up with their offense, and then let an enraged vampire do the hard work.

Behind her, the Moon had turned into the tiniest waxing crescent, and Remilia's mind began to kick into gear once more.

She saw Patchouli continually taking the brunt of the blows, Patchouli being the one the have designed the catacombs, Patchouli..._PATCHOULI IS TAKING __**MY**__ GLORY!_

_A vampire is one not to be trifled._

_I am the one who decides this destiny!_

A horde of silver knives flew at Remilia. They were nothing in the face of her claws.

All the holy water in the water could fly at her. She could simply dodge every drop.

Garlic? _A mere penance for needing to breath air!_

Remilia suddenly found all their tactics mere trifles, mere inconveniences. There were no such things. Reality need not exist, it need not have applied. Her wings unfurled as the full moon behind her reached its zenith, her eyes felt like they reached the back of her head.

"Send your armies!"

They stopped their attacks, pausing to take a step back.

She floated into the air, the moon coming (somewhat stereotypically) as a satanic halo behind her, "There's no man or machine-"

The space around her began to bend, "Who can stop me," she gazed into and through her opponent before continuing, "And you'll soon see."

She flew through their golem, destroying it in a single blow.

"IS," she cut through another, "THIS," and yet another, "YOUR STRONGEST MACHINE?!"

She faced the duo, screaming, "The fight you brought, here, now, will end with me!"

The duo smiled before unleashing the torrent of golems that they had been holding back.

She slashed through nearly a hundred, sending them scattering into the air, "I fight for honor!"

She slashed through a hundred more like they were merely ripples on a pond, "For the House of Scarlet."

She began blasting herself towards the duo, now completely ignoring the golems, "And I'm ready, and I'm willing, and I'm prepared to-"

She threw her arm at one of them, coming straight into contact with a respectable barrier. She struggled for a moment until her hand broke through quite suddenly and grazed her opponent. It seemed that Patchouli had gotten back up, and now that she was no longer distracted by their offense, she was able to properly counter their defense for Remilia. They were nearing a watershed moment, but it was yet unclear the full extent of their opponents abilities.

Remilia beckoned to them with an extended finger, "The cloak that covers your face. Remove it. Show me that you're willing to fight, if you're ready."

The two in turn removed their cloaks, causing the cloaks to fall to the ground like the lumps of cloth that they were. The forms of their enemy had suddenly vanished.

Patchouli calmed down and noted, "It seems that they disappeared."

It was almost as if she could hear the deflating hissing noise from Remilia as she was still on 100% combat mode.

Instead she channeled her energy elsewhere. Remilia immediately turned around back to Patchouli, "You!"

Patchouli hung her head, "I know, I took on too much, I shouldn't ha-"

Remilia pointed to herself, "_I'M_ the one who gets the glory around here, alright?!"

And Patchouli once again realized that she overestimated Remilia's affection over her incredible vanity.

"You didn't even pull out your heavy magic! You were toying with them just to make things dramatic?!"

_Actually, I just sort of slipped up and blanked out strategy-wise for a moment,_ Patchouli thought to herself.

...But she would keep that to herself. Instead, she decided to switch the attention of Remilia.

"We don't know if this is the end of their assault, check their cloaks.

Remilia glanced over, and with a moment's notice was able to tell their origin.

"Shadow doppelgangers."

Patchouli threw her back against the wall in shame (while Remilia nearly destroyed a wall in shame) before pushing herself forward to investigate the cloaks.

Remilia clenched her fists, "This is unforgivable! Whoever set up this prank, built up our hopes like this-!"

Patchouli interrupted Remilia, "There's a note hidden in one of the dolls."

"Oh?"

Patchouli read, "  
>Dear Scarlet Devil Mansion,<p>

Sorry if these aren't the strongest things in the world, but we thought you might be getting bored over there. Plus, we wanted to apologize for our previous attempt.

So, we hope you have had _some_ fun with our little gift.

Condolences for the troubles we've caused,

~M+A  
>"<p>

The two paused for a moment, taking in the small adventure they had had.

Remilia sighed, hiding a small grin, "Well...I guess it was _kinda_ fun."

Patchouli grinned and looked away, "Maybe...just a little."


	14. Listless

"Hey."

Remilia grabbed a chair, spinning it backwards and sitting across from Patchouli.

"What are you doing?"

Patchouli, without even glancing up, remarked, "Reading."

Remilia let Patchouli turn a page before gently placing her hand atop the book Patchouli was reading.

"No."

She shook her head.

"That's not what I mean."

She then grasped Patchouli's head and tilted it up a small ways past her books, so that it fell upon her notes.

"What are you _doing_?"

"Researching," she replied nonchalantly.

"No."

Remilia gently tightened her grip on Patchouli's chin, lifting it up further, so that they were now staring each other in the face.

"_What_ are you_ doing_?"

She then released her grasp upon saying this, opening her arms so as to gesture to the entire world.

"What are you doing?"

She then let her arms fall limply to her sides.

"What are _we_ doing?"

Patchouli leaned back.

"Passing time. We've just been trying to idly pass time."

Remilia leaned her head against the chair's back.

"Yeah."

Patchouli put down her book, waiting for Remilia to speak again.

"I just," Remilia squirmed before settling down again, "I don't know."

Patchouli waited.

"If we have nothing to look to do, then," she mused a bit before continuing, "Why do we be?"

Patchouli blinked, "That's not exactly the best grammar I've heard."

Remilia lazily thrust up an arm, "You know what I mean."

"Why do we continue to exist if we have no aim for which to exist for?"

"Yeah, I guess."

Remilia took the chair, spinning it back around, sitting back down again, and laying her head and arms sprawled out amongst the table.

Patchouli asked, "You have any suggestions?"

"Well, it's just," Remilia squirmed a bit as she thought again.

Patchouli couldn't help but think, _Cute_.

"It would be externally chosen."

Patchouli cocked her head, "...So?"

"So," Remilia rolled her hand, "It just wouldn't have the same emotional import."

"Emotional import as what?"

Remilia sighed, "What I've done in life, I did because they came from here," she planted a fist against her heart, "Maybe it wasn't the best plan in the world, and maybe in some sense I've compelled myself to fleeting desires, but at least when it did tell me something, I knew that I would have the desire and passion necessary to do what was needed."

"Except, I don't know...I feel content...like I've done it."

Patchouli narrowed her eyes, "Done it?"

"I mean," Remilia squirmed again, "I feel content."

"I take it you don't mean that as a good thing."

"No, I mean," Remilia kept squirming before stopping, "Ugh, why am I squirming when I'm trying to think?"

Patchouli's eyes glinted, "It's very cute-"

"Shut it," Remilia continued, "The problem with contentment, the problem with a lack of desires, is that you no longer have the same fear for death that you once did."

Patchouli tried to explain Remilia's thought process, "So, because you have no goal for the future, you induct back to the present-"

Remilia interrupted as her thoughts coalesced into what she perceived as a decent synopsis, "What's a present without a future? What's a future without a heart?"

Patchouli leaned back, "Ah."

Patchouli lifted a hand in thought, "Well, there's one emotion that we can always rely on-"

Remilia buried her hands, "If you give me a cheesy answer like love-"

"Hope."

The two blinked before Patchouli continued, "But love works, too."

Remilia looked down, "They're similar in a lot of ways."

Patchouli looked down as well, "Yeah..."

Remilia asked, "Is there some reason we're both looking away from each other?"

Patchouli didn't reply, but the two of them started to blush.

In the distance, Koakuma and Sakuya were spying on the two from behind a bookshelf.

Koakuma shook her head, "Dammit, I love idiot couples."


	15. Funes the Golem

Remilia yelled as she shoved open a door, "Oi, Patchouli!"

Instead of the usual scene of a stereotypically sedentary Patchouli, Remilia found her in some sort of Old West standoff with a clay golem.

Patchouli slowly extended a hand to Remilia, "Remi, don't-"

Remilia didn't listen, her immediate instincts were to destroy the golem by simply throwing something at it. In this case, the door. With incredible ease, the golem dodged it, came to attack Remilia, but Patchouli attacked a spot directly in front of the golem's advance, rendering the situation into a three-way standoff.

Throughout the entire proceeding Remilia blinked once, "Patch, what is this thing?"

"Wh-w...why was your first reaction to try and destroy it?!"

Remilia shrugged.

Patchouli sighed, "That is Funes," she continued, speaking with great pride now, "It's a clay golem that seems to have undergone some form of tertosis."

Remilia blinked again, "Patch, what is this thing?"

"It's a thing I made that has gone maverick."

"Any special powers?"

"Instantaneous reflexes and the ability to remember everything."

"Everything?"

Patchouli nodded, keeping her eyes on the golem, "A perfect memory. As if it could constantly relive its entire life. With every single element of its existence captured in perfect, infinite detail. With all of the knowledge of the library copied into it."

"A walking encyclopedia?"

"That would be an understatement."

"So, what does that even mean?"

"Well, that's what gives it its defensive abilities. If you tried to attack with Gungnir right now-and I would not suggest it-it would be able to do a lookup of and counter Gungnir perfectly."

Remilia furrowed her brow, "Where in this library is that information contained?"

Patchouli sighed, "My personal writings."

Remilia frowned slightly, "I see, why-"

"Remember when Flandre took it?"

Remilia sighed, "Oh, right."

The three continued to stand in a standoff.

Remilia noted to Patchouli, "So, why aren't you attacking?"

"I...I can't..."

Remilia sighed, "You get way too caught-up in your creations."

Patchouli nodded, "I suppose."

Remilia nodded in affirmation, "Alright, let's take care of it," she glanced around, "Patchouli, where is the nearest alcove again?"

She pointed through the stacks diagonally, "About a hundred meters or so that way."

Remilia charged straight at the golem. Predictably, the golem saw the attack and dodged in the opposite direction, jumping back further into the shelves. As it dodged, Remilia continued her onslaught. However, her movements would completely nonviolent. They were all brilliantly placed tactical movements, at each point forking which of the encyclopedic movements Funes could take, forcing the golem to move down the stacks of books in a predetermined direction to where Patchouli had arranged the shelves in pincer movement.

With nowhere to move, the rest was simple.

Remilia gazed over the sullen ashes. The golem had been easily vanquished.

"Very nice Remi."

Remilia looked over to Patchouli, "It was clear that the device could not _think_. It had ample memory, but the ability to only think just a move ahead. It could remember all of our attacks and physiques, but it could scarcely do any sort of anticipation or proper application of improvisation."

She paused, and then somewhat ironically to the point she was trying to make, she quoted from memory, "To think is to forget a difference, to generalize, to abstract. In the overly replete world of Funes, there were no thoughts, only details."

Remilia looked back at Patchouli, "Anyways, I came because-"

Patchouli looked at her smugly, her serious tone having been completely dropped from just a moment ago, waved her hand to motion to the debris, and interrupted Remilia, "You came because you were bored, and you were looking for something to do."

And after giving a very smug, pompous grin, she walked back to her desk, calling out to Remilia while she turned her back towards her, "Not only do I have a good memory, Remi, but I _can_ think, too."

Remilia stood silently, seething with the quiet, confused mixture rage and pleasure of someone who got manipulated...but to their own benefit.


	16. The Secret Door

There was a rapping at Remilia's chamber door.

"Come in."

Sakuya sidled in, closing the door behind her and bowing to Remilia, "Mistress."

Remilia put away her quill, "What is the matter Sakuya? Come to bring me a plot hook?"

"Well...possibly."

Remilia craned her head.

"You see, there's a door."

"Yes, Sakuya, we have lots of them."

"Yes. But...it's a very peculiar door."

Remilia blinked, "How exactly does a door become peculiar?"

"Well, it's sort of...in the middle of the hallway."

"Have you thought whether it has gotten blown off its hinges? My sister does that at times."

"No, you see, it just sort of...situated in the middle of the hallway. Standing up."

"Have you tried offering it a place to sit down?"

Sakuya shot Remilia a glance.

She grinned, "Sorry. I'm guessing it's in the old wing?"

Sakuya nodded, "Yes, Patchouli has had us doing inventory on what all is in the manor, so we've taken the liberty of taking stock of the old wing."

"Very ambitious of you."

"Yes, well, thank you."

They paused.

Remilia blinked, "So?..."

"The door. What should I do about the door?"

"Oh."

Remilia composed herself and stated very matter-of-factly, "Barricade the hallway, have Patchy place some charms on it, and sometime later we'll get Flandre to detonate it. And above all..."

She stared at Sakuya, grew out her nails, reflexively spanned out her wings, and replied in a devilish voice. It felt as if a void grew behind her. A thousand Gregorian chants began to hum, growing slowly in strength and volume as her spine curved and her teeth seemed to grow while Remilia gave Sakuya an increasingly lustful glance.

"Don't open the door."

She snapped back into normal in an instant in a comical pop and picked back up the quill again, "That's all."

Shaken (but not stirred) Sakuya nodded, and left Remilia's study. And, in a surprise turn of events **this** story ended up **not** being one of those "take heed of the warnings of others" tales. she did _exactly_ what Remilia said, and she did not open the door.

_Patchouli_, however, did open the door.

Sakuya just asked her to place a ward on it, but she hadn't warned her about the not opening it. She figured any centuries old geriatrics would know better than her. And when Patchouli was asked to place a ward on a door in the middle of the hallway, she couldn't bloody well deal with just leaving it there without studying it first, so she turned the handle and opened the door. But then...then...she did something more outrageous.

She walked through it.

Which caused some irritation some time later to an anticipatory Remilia.

Remilia rapped her finger on the table, waiting with an irritation. Which Koakuma happened to catch.

"Lady Remilia, can I help you?"

Remilia rasped, "Where is Patchy?!"

Koakuma thought, "Now that I think of it...I don't know."

Remilia gave an exasperated sigh, "What do you mean? You and I both know that Patchouli doesn't leave from this spot!"

Koakuma nodded, "Finally, someone points out the elephant in the room."

She cast a Medusa-like gaze towards Koakuma, "I rue the day that Patchouli taught you sarcasm."

"Are you regretting skipping out on her class that day?"

Remilia narrowed her eyes.

"Sorry."

"So, any ideas where she went?"

"Well, unless Sakuya told her something."

Remilia's mind rewound.

"Oh, did Sakuya mention anything about a door?"

Koakuma mouthed, "Oh, right. By the west wing?"

Remilia nodded, "You know where that is?"

Koakuma nodded, and the two floated off to the west wing, where a frantic Sakuya was trying to figure out what had happened.

~One moment, girls are worrying~

She turned around. She made it through alright...but it seemed...just like the Scarlet Devil Mansion. She took a careful look around, magically and physically. Nothing special. Regular mansion fare. Although, no one was around. Probably because she was in the old part of the mansion, but still, it threw her off a little bit.

"This way? Or?"

She thought a bit before deciding how to get back to where the library probably was in this world. And while floating back she saw no immediate irregularities, excepting that this alternate place was exactly the same and did not have a crew inspecting the old wing. And it wasn't too long before reaching the regular part of the mansion that she encountered some fairies. She floated by them as she regularly would, albeit a bit more cautious in case something was up and they stopped her. But something else happened, she wanted to stop _them_. Something seemed off about _their_ behavior.

She stood in front of one.

And it went through her.

"Oh. I'm a ghost in this place."

No reaction. The fairies went on about their business.

"Well, no matter, I suppose it will satiate my goals as a conscientious observer."

And in no less time, she made here way to the library. And she found, strangely, herself.

She looked at herself disapprovingly, "Do I really look that old?"

She hadn't been there for more than five minutes without realizing that this was a bad idea. Every action her self was taking she found to be so cringe-worthy and embarrassing. Even though they were incredibly normal actions for her to take in the normal course of the day. The way she sat, the books she had chosen and whose titles were displayed, the way she awkwardly interacted with Koakuma. They embarrassed her so much.

In due time because of her embarrassment, she ignored the books and turned her attention to Koakuma instead. She had always been curious about what it was that she did in any given day. And she found that she often engaged in some variety of water-cooler talk with the other employ of the mansion. Patchouli supposed that it shouldn't have surprised her, since Koakuma was more outgoing than she was, and of course that she had plenty of time besides dealing with her own vagarities and demands of a magician. But, she became so incredibly interested in just watching Koakuma talk so candidly and friendly with the others. It was a side of Koakuma that had never come to Patchouli's attention.

What else had she missed? Were there hobbies of Koakuma's that Patcholi had no idea about? What did Koakuma do on her time off?

Patchouli's mind snapped to attention. There was a much more interesting question that had suddenly came to her mind. What did _Remilia_ do when Patchouli wasn't watching? She went searching for her, but to no avail. She couldn't find her anywhere in the mansion. Unless...was Remilia not alive in this dimension? In this universe was this a Remilia-less one? In fact, what _was_ the difference between this place and her own-other than the ghostly apparition attribute that she seemed to harbor.

She floated back to her 'base of operations'-her mirror self-in order that she might answer this. Patchouli had reasoned that if there was to be a major difference between the worlds, she should see it easiest in herself.

But, suprise-surprise, she found Remilia. She was walking to her alternate-self.

By now, Patchouli had become quite enraptured with this world, trying to answer the question of that nagging feeling of 'What the hell is wrong here?' It wasn't that her self here and Remilia hated each other, they joked and chatted politely as they normally do. Also, something seemed off about the behavior of Koakuma to her alternate self and Sakuya toward Remilia's alternate self. She couldn't quite get a handle on it. It wasn't anything explicit. All of her explicit observations seemed to suggest regularity (again, excepting the fact that she herself was like a ghost in this world), but something still _felt_ off. Their behaviors seemed peculiar. It was a thing that the subconscious could pick up on, but she couldn't figure it out consciously.

It suddenly hit her. Her alternate self and Remilia in this world...they were just 'business partners'. Nothing more, nothing less. The thing that was putting her off was the context of their relationship. The context of which made their discussions so much more cold. Which was odd, they said nearly the same things in this world as in the other. How was she able to still catch on to such a minute detail?

"This is the alternate world of what would happen if Remilia and myself fell for others. If we hadn't-"

"Lady Patchouli."

She screamed in fright, seeing Sakuya floating beside her.

"S...Sakuya?"

"Yes, m'lady. I don't know if this will work, but we've devised a way to bring you back and-"

Patchouli blinked, recovering quickly from the spy, "Oh. There's no need to worry about that."

Sakuya blinked.

Patchouli, in reply, snapped her fingers and a portal appeared beside her, "I made sure to lock the door open and trace some magical threads through."

Sakuya's eye started to twitch, "Y...you mean...you weren't trapped?"

Patchouli looked at Sakuya confusedly, "Of course not, why would I go through the door if I had no way back?"

And she returned through the portal.

Sakuya, in turn, opened a closed space, made sure no one could see her, and then she screamed.

Patchouli, in turn, made her way through the door to find an angry Remilia there to "greet" her.


End file.
